(The Street) - It’s the start of a brand new year and you’re on your New Year’s Resolution kick. Hopefully, this year it sticks. Perhaps over the holidays you handled a whole host of to-dos that you’d categorize under “life administration," including doing or touching up your financial planning documents - or maybe it’s on the immediate docket for 2024. Either way, one thing I do certainly see through my company is that the time the most wills are completed are August (National Make-A-Will Month) and January.
So, if the thought has crossed your mind that making important legal and financial decisions for yourself and your family is an upcoming priority, it’s a best practice to make it a collaborative process. Talk to your kids - who may themselves be adults now - about estate planning. It’s an act of love.
It’s possible that as you gathered with them during the recent holiday season, you may have realized how grown and mature they’ve become. If you think they are ready to take on new responsibilities in the new year, it’s the right moment to have the conversation about estate planning with them.
These conversations aren’t always easy to initiate, or to conduct. It may not come naturally for you. Luckily, I’ve helped with a lot of these. Here are a few considerations that can set you up for success when having these conversations.
Ensure your children can handle the estate planning talk
Every child is different and as the parent, you probably know them best. It may seem obvious that certain aged children are not ready for this talk, but you can use your intuition to determine if and to what extent you want to include them in the conversation. For example, if you have two children, you may know for sure you want the older one to understand your estate plan along with the thorough details of your recorded choices. However, the younger one may express their curiosity when you have this discussion and it could be a useful moment to explain what an estate plan is in simple terms and not go too much more in-depth.
Of course, depending on the age and maturity of the child, you may want to avoid any discussion on estate planning. The first and foremost step is to consider if your child is ready to learn about these documents and to what degree you want to share your wishes with them.
Find a safe space for all children
From getting home from a grueling basketball practice to studying for a difficult science test, there is naturally so much activity that fills our childrens’ day. As a parent, you likely know that there is a time and place for introducing new things or changes to your child and amidst these tiring moments is not one of them. If all of your children are ready for the talk, choose a date, time, and place that is comfortable for all of them when initiating estate planning conversations. If you plan on including only one or two of your children in the discussion, it could be best to converse when the other(s) is asleep or at dance practice.
Consider scheduling time in advance that doesn’t conflict with any schedules and holding the meeting in a more communal part of the house. Think the dining or living room, as opposed to the alcove outside one child’s room. You can minimize distractions by shutting off the T.V. and asking your children to put their phones, iPads, and other devices to the side for a little bit. Creating a space where everyone can be comfortable and stay focused is essential to ensuring you are able to clearly communicate what you want to share about your estate plan and that your children can absorb the information they need.
Address any perceived inequalities in your plan
As a parent, you are often told it’s important to show your children that they are being treated equally. However, your estate plan may have unequal distributions or otherwise treat your children differently. For example, you may have left an extra $5,000 in your will to your child, Joe, because of a prior gift you made to your child, Sandy, to pay for summer camp or an afterschool program. Or you may have named your oldest child as your executor because of their mature age and demonstrated abilities to handle finances in a prudent and responsible manner.
When you meet with your children to discuss your plan, be candid about the different treatment your estate plan provides them and mention that you have made each decision thoughtfully. Share the reasons behind your decisions, offer to answer any questions, and be flexible about revisiting them (for example, naming your oldest child as your sole executor until their sibling attains the age of 18 at which point they become a co-executor). This is essential to avoid any hurt feelings after you're gone and to protect the relationship between your children.
Address what’s important to them
You are likely aware of some of the specific concerns your children will have when it comes to your estate plan. For example, one of your children may have an extra special relationship with the family dog. They may be the one who often helps take your furry friend out on walks or play quality games of fetch with them. This child may especially be curious to know what would happen to this beloved pet should you no longer be around. In this kind of situation, it’s important to be clear about what your plan provides for your dog. If your close neighbor has agreed to be the caregiver and provide a loving home for your companion animals, let your child know so they’re aware that their furry friends will always be protected and cared for.
Another child may have spent a lot of time while they were younger with a grandparent, developing a close bond. Maybe their grandparent has a stamp collection or a photo album they have passed down to you. Knowing that this child would really appreciate being able to treasure this family heirloom, you may consider writing in your estate plan that you want them to inherit the possession(s) upon your passing. You can explain that you will ensure these items are in safekeeping, but the responsibility will be granted to your child once your time has come to an end.
Use sensitive and mindful language
Depending on various factors such as the child’s age, how they respond to sensitive topics, and if they’ve experienced loss, the topic of estate planning can conjure up several mixed emotions. It can be difficult for children to hear words such as death and dying. It can also be hard for them to think about what life would be like and what would happen upon your death. Consider language such as “when I pass away” or “when I’m no longer here.” You can also preface the conversation by saying that it is okay to take breaks if they need space to process. It may also be worth using reassuring language that highlights that you have ensured every decision was carefully crafted in the child’s best interest.
Give space for questions
Your children will likely have questions about your wishes or about the general estate planning process. Support them with enough time and space to articulate themselves. If something your child has expressed is not clear to you, asking to clarify can show that you genuinely want them to be an active part of knowing the details of your plan and how they may be affected. You can propose that you are also open to discussing the matter at a later time if they need a moment to process what they’ve heard or think about these critical choices.
Sharing your estate plan with your children is an act of care. If done properly it can even bring the family closer together and strengthen the relationship you have with your children in the new year and beyond.
By Allison L. Lee
January 2, 2024
Allison L. Lee is the Attorney-at-Law, Director Trusts & Estate Content for FreeWill, a mission-based public benefit corporation that partners with nonprofits to provide a simple, intuitive and efficient platform to create wills and other estate planning documents free of cost. Through its work democratizing access to these tools, FreeWill has helped raise more than $4 billion for charity.
